Shall I quit my job?

After hosting several Christmas Partys for the first time and being extremely stressed out and tired from the December sprint, my husband and I spend a few days over new years eve in Lanzarote. 

As always, I reflected on the past year and made plans for the new ones. It`s no secret that I wasn't`t  happy in my Job for quite some time. It`s hard to specify why exactly, but the unhappiness and discomfort in my current situation grew so big that it was hard for me to sleep and relax when not at work. I was thinking about it constantly, lying awake hours on hours at nights, imagining what the next day may bring. Massive anxiety alert. 

So whilst the persistent strong breeze teared my hair and roars in my ears, I knew I needed to change something. I tried to work on my attitude and just not care about my work when I was off. I had plans and resolutions for changes, and strategies to try, because after all, I have worked for over seven years to get into the position i was at now. 

Apparently that didn't`t work out. The first working day in January I got sick, very sick. I stayed at home for a week straight, doing the most important tasks from my desk at home. I managed quite well, but staying away from office gave me more time and distance to look at it. And i realized, no matter how hard I try, it`s just not the right place for me. 

And then I quit. I haven`t planned it, I was sitting at my desk on a Monday Morning in January and listened to myself: do you see yourself sitting here for days, weeks, months to come? Will the situation you are in get any better? And the answer was no. I tried to improve, I tried to cope, I tried to not care. But I am not that kind of person. It was a bit over a year and the situation kept getting worse. I lost all the hope in having a successful and happy future in that department. As all of this hit me this Morning, I finally figured the best thing i could to be protect myself was to quit. I knew I was going to see my manager this afternoon so the plan formed in my head. I didn't`t know what to say, nor if I could be brave enough to really do it. 

At lunchtime, i just pecked through my food without really eating anything. I was so anxious and nervous I could hardly focus on the conversation I had with my colleague. In the meeting i had with my manager i talked and acted automatically, like a robot, and I realized I have been doing so for months, just to survive, not letting my true feelings shine through. After the meeting I asked her to stick around for another minute as I needed to talk to her urgently. She sat down and looked at me, asking „Yes, whats up?“. 

I never ask for anything, I rarely raised my voice. I hate talking about feelings, fears and expectations. So what am I doing here, sitting in a very small conference room? I was scared. But then I started talking. I told her how unhappy I was, how I hated each day in my job, how I could`t do it any longer, and asked her to let me go. My hands were shaking so hard I dropped my pen. I felt like I couldn't`t breathe anymore. But I said it. I quit. And I instantly felt the relief. 

She was looking at me, in disbelief. „I`m shocked“, she said.